Wednesday, March 26, 2008

TDY means insomnia!

So For the last two weeks, since hubby's been on tdy all over god's country, i've been up past midnight. I consider this a bit of insomnia. Especially considering my normal bed time is somewhere between 8pm and 10pm. I barely ever make it all the way to 11! There is no real reason for it except the fact that #1-I don't have a job anymore, and so there is no place for me to hurry off to in the morning, and #2-Gabby's school is on spring place for me to be. But the real reason is that Hubby is not here!
I use to go through phases like this when he first joined. Anytime we have been seperated from each other, I've gone through phases of insomnia. I think it's just my bodies way of saying that there is a piece of me missing.
It hasn't really bothered me until tonight. I think that's because I haven't heard from ANYONE today, well except for my mom. But I haven't heard from Hubby, or my other friends who usually text me 90 times a day. Nope, everyone is busy, so I'm bored! Even my sis-in-law isn't online right now. So I've no one to talk to. And it's midnight!

I hate being bored and lonely. I should be either going to bed or doing laundry...

hmmm...sleep sounds more inviting! hahahah

Friday, March 21, 2008

A quick update

Gabby is doing better. I can tell she's feeling better cause she's gabbing alot more! UGH...But, she is still pretty sick. She is still spiking fevers in the evenings and getting the chills. Her lips actually turned blue yesterday afternoon!

I'm hanging in there. Getting stressed again, but trying my best to stay focused. I need to get back to taking my meds. I hate when I realize I have a problem and then do something about it, and then get lazy about fixing the problem!

The next step is let me rephrase that...the next step is cleaning house...BIG TIME! UGh... THEN the next step is packing and leaving for VACA. We have a week. God willing Gabby starts feeling better in the next couple of days so she can help me get this house situated. The biggest obsticle is her own room!

But I'm sure if I get and stay focused, I'll be ok. This week I've been gallavanting all around town with a friend trying to keep my mind off of my problems. I should have just stayed home. I should not have spent money, and I should be cleaning.

Oh well, can't have everything, and I'm certainly not perfect.

This weekend is Easter. Time to renew and move on!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Can my life ever be easy?

Well, I'm saying Goodbye to all stress, and still I'm under it.

I just called and talked with my boss at BABW. Yeah, well, I was only wanting to take a leave of absence and instead ended up having to terminate my employment there.

Yesterday morning I woke up to Gabby having a 103.4 fever out of no where. It was so sudden and no signs of any issues, I knew that it was bad news, and indeed that's what it was.
My suspision was that her Kidneys had become infected again. She had just come off of antibiotics for a UTI not even a week ago, and all of a sudden, she's brewing with infection again.

So at 7am I called my babysitter, who of course was not willing to take on two children, one of which was sick as hell. I called work, no answer, I called my mom (needed the moral support), I called the school to say Gabby wasn't coming, I called the Docs to get an appointment, and called work again 3 more times every half hour until my manager finally answer. This all happened in the course of two hours.

When I finally got my manager on the phone I was caught with attitude against me. Evidently I was the only one who was working with her all day yesterday and BABW had a party booked for 11am. So I was told "No, you can't call in" and "Well, you need to call a friend" (to which I informed her of the afformentioned info!) lastly met with a "Well, FINE, I'll just have to figure it out on my own!" attitude, which of course, led me to be more stressed out and more upset because now I've realized I have an uncaring boss!

The doctor's appointment was at 1:30, we arrived at 1:10pm and did not leave the dang office until 5:30!!!!! They did every culture under the sun, including throat, blood and urine to find out the cause of infection, only to tell me at 5pm that they know there is infection in her body, but they don't know where, but we're going to give her a shot of antibiotics to help get rid of it faster. During the appointment the doc mentioned possibly having to admit her, surprisingly they didn't go that route. So, for three days in a row, this poor thing has to get two shots in each of her legs. I guess it's better than an iv?!

Hubby is not here, of all times that this comes up again, it's when he's gone. And of course, stupid me stopped taking my meds! I'm dumb, I know I am. But still, why are people so uncaring.

like I said, I just got off the phone with my manager, and to my story about yesterday, and my wanting to take a leave of absense to be fair to my family and to the store she says "well I'm glad you realized that there was a problem, because yesterday was just rediculous here, it was a disaster" Not..."Oh, I'm sorry your daughter is so sick" or at least "I'm sorry your daughter isn't feeling well, but yes it is a good idea to take leave, cause the store can't deal with this...blah blah...

No...just about the store. I guess I thought I meant more to the people there than that? kinda hurtful.

What's a geographical single mom to do? Well, at least I don't have to worry about baby sitting anymore. If I really want to, I can look into being rehired by them at a later time when my hours open up a bit more? But for now, it wasn't great money, and definately not good hours for me. So I guess it's for the best.

Still, it was the best job I've had yet. Well, one that brought me a little joy anyway. and yes, I'm shedding a little tear. I'm upset that again, I've had to give up on something that I honestly liked.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I've finally come to the realization that I'm depressed. It took me several weeks, but the overall stress and anxiety that I've been feeling, coupled with incessant crying fits was a huge clue! hehe.

I've been in this place before. It's not pleasant, it's not pretty. It's dark and gloomy...hmmm...pretty much just like this northwest territory I live in! ha!
It's hard for me to live in this place. It's harder for my family to deal with me when I'm in this place! So because of that, I scampered off to the docs to get help. The last thing we all need is for me to be off balance with an approaching deployment!

I'm starting to feel better. I'm getting used to the meds, and well, to be honest, I hate taking any type of medication, but I REALLY hate having to take medication for depression. It makes me feel weak. More so, it makes me feel mental. I know I'm not, but still.

Along with the realization that I'm depressed, I've also figured out that I've just taken on way too much. This adds to my stress. I'm needing to cut back, but am finding it hard to let go of things. I like being involved, because it makes me feel needed. But when I'm needed, and I have work to do for those entities, I feel it's a nasty little circle that I'm in.

Hubby is making me (not really putting a gun to my head, but for my sake and sanity) take a breather from Mary Kay. My biz really hasn't gotten into full swing yet anyway, and for now, I just can't commit to it! So I'm taking a step back from it. I'm also going to drop out of the Enlisted Spouses club. This one is the harder one for me. I'm on the executive board, so I'm WAY needed. And so it's hard for me to admit to them that I'm having issues, and to resign from my post. But I'm not having fun there anymore. Every meeting that I've been to since the beginning of January has been extremely stressful. With all that's going on in my life, I cannot deal with anymore drama, especially other people's drama! I feel bad though because I like the girls that I deal with there. I've gotten a little closer to them, even though they truly don't know me.

What I realize the most, is that I need "ME" time. I need to set aside time for me every day. I'm failing at that. I have soo much going on, so much is beyond my control, that I cannot take "me" time right now.

ahh well, I think I might start writing more. Maybe it will help? Since going back to work, and getting involved I've let alot of the things that I did to keep myself sane go. Maybe I need to find the time to pick them back up again?

I gotta go get Gabby from school...I should start calling her Gappy...she lost her first two teeth! The first was lost one week after her 6th birthday, and the second was lost this past Sunday. Ahhh mile markers!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I need to vent...

I've been trying so hard to be included into different entities surrounding our post. I think I finally succeeding in doing so, but at a huge cost.

I'm realizing that with every club, school function, and work related affiliation, I'm loosing myself.

My husband has been gone for the past two weeks. He left me behind with two children, an extremely messy house, my parents on their way and a feeling of unending doom on the horizon. I know...really overly dramatic right? Bare with me! I also have my monthly visitor at the moment! hehe

So off he went on his training mission. Meantime, the parents get here and we are ok, doing our thing. Gabby's birthday was last week, he missed that! And then the parents left one week in. Again, messy house, kids on my own (who are now sick!) and he's out doing his thing.

This one week, he's coming home for FIVE DAYS!!! 5...count them...Then he's off again for another 3 weeks of training! He arrives today.

In this one week I have to work for 4 days this week, I have a Mary Kay meeting on Monday night, and ESC meeting Tuesday night, I'm supposed to have Choir on Wednesday, but that's not going to happen, it's the one expendable thing this week...not to mention I'm supposed to be choreographing the school musical Tuesday, Wednesday and basically, I have Friday night too myself! That's it!

In the meantime, I'm realizing that I'm being talked about behind my back at the ESC...ooohhh I missed ONE meeting! Wow...I'm a horrible person! I haven't even started learning the choreography for Tuesday, AND the one thing I really wish I could do is CHOIR! ha!

So I'm trying to figure out a way to get what I want. Oh yeah...let's not forget the fact that I'm able to work 25 hours a week, and I've only been getting MAYBE 12! So, I'm thinking, especially after only recieving a $90 paycheck this past week, that I may be quitting this job. The thing about that is, I really LIKE this job. I just have a WHOLE lot on my plate and all I'm doing is paying for child all honesty!

So I'm thinking I should back out of ESC. This would honestly save me alot of issues and drama! I'm thinking I'm also going to back out of my job. I will actually give them two weeks notice, with the intent of coming back in the fall. I just have way too many plans right now!

I need to have a piece of mind. I need to work on me. I would like my days to flow. I would like to get up every day and take Gabby to school, then head off to the gym or the track...I need to get back into exercising! Then I'd like to clean my house. Then I'd like to spend time working my new Mary Kay business. Pick Gabby up from school, help her do her homework, and then just relax. Monday nights do the whole Mary Kay meeting thing, and Wednesdays do choir. Ahhh....that would be ideal.

I wonder if it would work?

I don't know how I ever survived in school. I used to be able to MASTER the unbelievable schedule! It's probably the fact that I'm not only focused on ME anymore...i'm a Mom, I have to be focused on Them...Me time comes at a cost...One that has been WAY to expensive lately.

In a few words, I'm stressed and depressed. I need ME time.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Anyone wanna come and organize my life?

I'll give you a dollar! hahah...that's about all I got for now!

Anyway, I guess the whole "He's Not Going to Be Here Thing" has truly sunk in and now I'm somewhat getting into action mode. I scheduled Gabby's birthday party yesterday. Gotta love places like build a bear! I don't have to worry about feeding anyone, just paying for them to make themselves a bear! hahaha. Not too cheap, but tons easier on me. And as far as the cost goes, my mom is going to help me out there. Good old Mommom to the rescue!

I've been trying to get our house organized today. I'll probably have better luck tomorrow considering Hubby has a four day which starts tomorrow, so Gabby will be at school, Hubby can help out with Baby girl and E. the little boy that I watch every so often (that is Driving me INSANE TODAY!) ugh...anyway, so hopefully we'll get more done tomorrow.

Hubby was talking about finally putting up the fencing this weekend. Not sure where he thinks we'll have time for that, but hey, more power to him! We need to clean house (all common areas anyway) cause we're going to have people over on Sunday for the football game. CRAP! I forgot to call off from work...UGH...I'll have to do that in a bit.

Work put me at ease yesterday. I didn't have to work, I went in to have a chat with my manager regarding hours. I need to only work days, no nights, no weekends. I thought she was gonna give me some issues with that. I mean it IS retail. But she understood. So I'll be working only days from now on.

Hopefully, I'll be able to find consistant child care! Oye. Which the person who I have now shouldn't have any issues once January is done. She's just been traveling alot!

I'm anxious for February to get here. Not to see Hubby go, but to see my parents come and have Gabby's birthday. After those two things, I'll probably be dreading the next couple months. I didn't know we'd also be spending Easter alone! mind can't keep things straight. I'm going to become a list maker! ha...It'll be the only way I keep my sanity.

M. Thanks! you know what for!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

And so things must go on...

Well...I'm going to be on my own in just a couple weeks. So much sooner than expected. Deployments mean training, training still means time away from the family. And of course, as stated before, we find these things out, just mere weeks before the insanity takes hold.

A strange calm lays upon me now. My initial reaction was tears, but what can I do? Not much really. He IS missing Gabby's birthday by one week. Well, we'll celebrate that one early. Something she wants to do with Daddy, Mommy and baby girl, just us four.

My parents arrive the day after he gallops away. So at least for that week I'll have company. I need to definately rearrange my work schedules. I need to be home now. I need to be here with him, with this family...NOW. Luckily I'll be able to go by the store tomorrow while Gabby is in school. Everything will be left up to me now. There is no more relying on him to help with dinner, or Gabby's homework, or calming down babygirl until I can get to her. I will now be both Mommy and Daddy. I'll have to be.

Deployment. What an ugly word to me right now! I'm scared!